PLACES TO STAY IN FLORIDA

We're eating with Grandma and Grandpa at a resturant a number of years ago-not long enough, when the conversation shifted to traveling in Florida. Grandma speaks up in a plenty loud voice-loud enough for all to hear, "We stayed in Florida once, years ago. It was the best condom I've ever seen. Yes a big condom right on the beach. Doty's next door let us use their condom. I'll never forget it." Nor will we Grandma, nor will we.

THIS IS WHAT WE CAN EXPECT WHEN WE ARE 91.

Hey, Gramps, do you know you're peeing on the floor?

"Ya."

GETTING A URINE SAMPLE

So Jamie is having a birthday party for one of her kids at the McDonalds in North Ogden and has grandma and grandpa there to celebrate with them. She is standing in line at the counter ordering when out of the blue, grandma pushes her way to the front, (she is kinda blind) and says to the gal, "Can I have a big empty drink cup? I'm not going to put anything in it, I'm going to urinate in it. The ones they give you at the doctor's office are too small and I get it all over my hands (she had a docs appmt the next day and wanted to get ready) The counter girl handed her a large cup. Jamie all the while is standing there with her mouth open and saying, "Grandma, what the he... are you saying?" Totally shocked and red-faced. So funny. Well the next day I took her to the docs appmt and sure enough she put the "big gulp" in that little passage way and closed it. Can you imagine the look on that nurse's face when she opened up the other side a there is a giant McDonald's cup full of urine? Very dang funny.

IF THEY EVER ASK ME TO SPEAK AT THE WORLD BIO-FUELS CONVENTION IN NEW YORK CITY......

If I was asked to speak at the world convention on Bio-fuels because their main speaker got the day wrong I would, yes. This is what I would do.

I would wear a nice dark blue suit with a red tie and have my cool leather brief case in my hand as I walked up to the podium. I would place the brief case on the floor by my feet and the with my right hand I would grab the front of the podium and lean way forward toward the audience turning slightly sideways to the left. I then would say with a lot of authority and conviction in my voice, (I would have already sipped 2 diet cokes so I could do this) I would say slowly and deliberately, "You call yourselves scientists? You're not scientists you're nothing but a bunch of lazy bums. Why, I can get more gass out of a bowl of chilli beans at Wendy's then you can from a bushel of wheat." Then I would say really loud, "Now get your asses back to work, NOW!" Everybody would be saying, that's the best talk I ever heard or I never thought of beans or He's a freakin' genius.

Then as I was walking out with my chaufer he would say to me quietly, "It's the other kind of gas." I would think a minute while looking for the nearest exit and say, "oh."

IF MY SON WAS A GHOST HE WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS

If Hunter (David) stood against a brick wall and his wife Kristin, sprayed him with paint, this is what it would look like. I could give a talk in church about this pic, it represents so much. I often think to myself, " I wish I was Hunter and Kristin just for a little while as it would be so fun." I love you both. dad

WHEN I MET MY FIRST ALIEN FROM OUTERSPACE

When I met my first alien from some place out west it looked like this and our conversation went pretty much this way:

Me, "Hello are you new here?"

Me again, "Where are you from?"

Note: Aliens don't talk with their mouths they use their minds.

Me again, "Hey, do you have Karate in your country?"

Note: I'm sure he can understand me but I can't read minds so I just keep talking kinda like grandma who is deaf. As long as she talks she doesn't have to be able to hear.

Me again, We have black belts in Karate I see you don't have back belts but you could just say that belt you're wearing is back. Oh, wait a minute. I'm getting something, something is coming through. I can sorta understand what he is trying to say, "It's not a belt?"

Me "what? oh, whoa sorry. it looked like a belt. On second thought, you won't need Karate.

Well, nice talkin' to ya and see ya around.

ANOTHER TELEMARKETING EXPERIENCE

So, I'm in the car watching two of kelli's kids while they sleep and while she runs into the scouting office in south Ogden when this call comes in from a collector. He wants to know when I am going to pay some bill that I have never heard about in my whole life and he starts in as soon as I answer. As he keeps going I can tell his is from New Jersey-a real dink. Well I start talking back to him in my "Chinese man on cocain" voice. My voice gets louder and higher as I talk like this, "How you get maw numbaw? What you call me? How you talk to me like some A.. Ho..? You some kind of Jack A..?" "I wip yo howrt out and eat it. I eat it all. I pull off yo ahm and beat yo wit it." "Yo dumb bawhsard." Well I don't know where the accent came from, maybe some ancestor that is Chinese was helping me but it was incredible. The kids started to wake up as I was swearing and talking so loud in this funny Chinese voice. The guy got this phrase out as that's all I would let him say as I was doing all the yelling, "Are you drunk Mr. Carver? Did you get hit on the head?" Then I heard him say to someone in the background, "This F'n guy's nutty."

I could hardly keep in my "Chinese Man on Cocain" voice going as I was laughing so hard. I would love to let you hear it but I would have to get special clearance from the Stake President to do as I used every swear word and knew and some I hadn't learned yet. Needless to say, he hung up and I never heard from him again.

THE DAY I TOLD A TELEMARKETER OFF

So, I am taking care of my dad prior to his death and am staying at his house. I check the phone ID for any calls I may have missed and I see a number that is obviously a telemarketer. I have found that if I let them know that I am on a Do Not Call list (DNC) after a while I don't get anymore calls. He was getting about 10 a day and after about 2 weeks almost none. So I call this number back and a nice older lady answers and I proceed to go into my story that I have this 91 year-old father and about how sick and tired we are getting all these telemarketing calls and that I'm on a DNC list and that I can sue her company and by hell I better not receive another call from her again. As I am launching off and my voice is getting louder and louder and higher and higher she tries to butt in but I don't let her and after I'm hitting my highest note and screaming the loudest I say, "Let me make myself clear, Do not call here anymore," I hear this voice say meakly, "OK." and I hang up. Well I look at the number I just called and I notice that I dialed 801 instead of the actual number of 800, blah, blah, blah. So I had just called some lady like my 91 year-old mother-in-law and really gave her a dressing down. Well one thing is for sure. I've never gotten a call from her since. Copy and paste this link to see who I was talking to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22uYDgZXoJQ

25 more things from my CPA Brother Steven

Here's my Brother Steve's 25 questions. I ask you, Which of us needs medication?

1. When I was a kid I burned up a big pile of hay in the back yard and tried to put it out using a salt shaker to carry water back and forth from the house.
2. My Dad, speaking of a particular son-in-law said " It's OK to play cowboys and indians but you had better damn well work in between" .
3. When I was a kid I used to put my mouth up to the radio speaker and yell into the radio "shut up!" Lately I'm catching myself doing it again.
4. I'm an adrenalin junkie accountant.
5. I should have heeded the warning signs.
6. Can I ask you a rhetorical question?
7. My favorite movie line is "dyin' ain't much of a livin'" Outlaw Josie Wales.
8. The scripture says "As arrows are in the hand of the mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man who has a quiver full of them." But there were days that I wanted to shot one of those arrows over the hill.
9. I'm humbled by the respect you are going to give me.
10. If you are willing to wear warm-up pants with a golf shirt to the mall, you must think that you've got the world by the tail. Don't forget your Gilligan hat!
11. Pat went on a trip for 10 days while I stayed home with Barkley. He and I got along great until on the eighth day when I needed a drink of water at the same time Barkley thought he needed one too.
12. You can win any argument guaranteed with this final remark, " Oh yeah, well you have poop in your pants!"
13. When I look at Spencer, Lisa, Danny, Mike and Mitch I see my kids in their faces.
14. If you were a heterosexual guy and you dressed up in some nice looking womens clothes and wig say, and you went to the store just to be funny, Don't try to call the cops if someone pulls off your wig and steals your purse because who are you going to blame?
15. The fastest I even dare drive is 30 mph if I want to spit out the window.
16. Ever since I've been on Coumadin, which they say is rat poison, I have not seen even one rat come around. I think they sense how dangerous I am.
17. I went to the Jazz game the other night. It's sure different being there than it is on TV. The players are way bigger than what they look like on TV. Except when I saw John Stockton. He was way skinny and is wearing glasses now and needed a hair cut. I thought it was pretty tacky to still be wearing his jersey.Also he's way cheap because he was sitting in the upper bowl. Hey John, Jerry's not going to call you down from the upper bowl to check in!. Forget it, You're done.
18. One winter I wore my sister Janet's really cool saddle oxford shoes to 4th grade.(Janet was in high school so the shoes were a" little" big for me). The sole of one shoe was all unstiched and flapped when I walked. It was a pain but I thought I looked cool in the shoes anyway. At recess I went to slide down the slippery sidewalk hill and the shoe made me fall back on my head and I was knocked out cold.
19. I can't make excuses for you.
20. After I turn 60, maybe sooner, I will not offer you any food from my plate.
21. Always carry a coin in your pocket because you never know when you'll have to "flip for it".
22.I had a dream that I was listening to General Conference and I woke up and I was. Actually I guess it's a recurring dream.
23. Can you believe all the drama? No one is going to escape it.
24. Hey!! Are you guys freakin' NUTS?? I'm in TAX SEASON and you've got me writing 25 things that don't tell you 25% of who I am or what I'm all about or how I roll or what makes me tick or if I secretly hoped Obama would lose. Who am I going to bill for this? You? or you? How about Big-Foot Man? I don't have time for this. I'm done! I didn't sign up for this crap.

Answer to when people ask you, "What ya doin?"

Say, "Just tryin' to keep my monkey on a leash." That was submitted by my brother, Scott. What are your favorite answers to that common question? Please comment

Sting Rays can't Bite--Right!

After looking at this picture of the Sting Ray migration, Karen said, "so cool. I think these are the coolest things - but one bit me a couple of years ago in Houston. Got sick and had to have a shot not fun. But they are so amazing."

I said, "You got bitten? How many people do I know that have been bitten by a Sting ray? Let's see, well............... ONe. Karen. She has been bitten by one."

Karen, "Yeah - it was pretty funny cause my grandson was afraid they would bit him so he wasn't feeding them like all the rest of the kids and being the wonderful grandma that I am grabbed him, pulled him over to the tank, set him on my knee and then put my hand down in the water with some food. The biggest one came up out of the water half way up my arm and was sucking on my arm all the way down - grossest feeling ever - and then it got to my knuckles and it took a chunk out. Blood everywhere - grandson freaked and took off running - took a year for his eyes to go back into the sockets. I was half laughing, half crying. Hurt like a bugger. The lady said - no big deal, just wash it out. I was throwing up all that night and the next day - which I was flying home. Yeah picture that in the bathroom of an airplane. Not a pleasant experience. Got sick while finding my car at the airport - got sick on the way home and then got home to a note taped on the bathroom mirror - "Mom - sewer is not working so we have no water - don't use the toilet - I peed outside - good luck with that" I wanted to die. Next day I called the poison control and they said Stingrays don't bite. I said well I have a chunk out of my hand where one didn't bite me. Told me to get into the doc and get a tetanus shot. So yeah - they do bite."

I said, "Do you have any notable scares to show off?"

Her reply, "real funny - you can hardly see it through the wrinkles."

Boy Gives Self a Wedgie after Seeing Big Foot

Young child gives self a wedgie after seeing Big Foot Trying to blow his glasses off with a b0wling pin cannon. "It was a terrible sight and that's what made the boy do it." Said the policeman who wishes to stay anonymous.

THE TRUTH BEHIND THE NBA

I want to help all those that don't know about the NBA's "dirty little secret." Now I ask you, how many times have the Jazz been behind all of the game then at the last possible moment they come from behind and win? How many times has the "home" team won at the buzzer? Well the truth is the NBA and the WWF (World Wrestling Federation) are run by the same people. It is completely rigged so that people will get their money's worth.

When Larry Miller hired John Stockdale and Carl Malone(the truck driving car salesman) he said as they were walking out of the room, "Now be sure to make it exciting for the fan, if you know what I mean." and as he said it he "winked." The "wink" means lose until the last second and then hit a half-court shot.

Now, another good example is Mike Jordan. Now the Chicago Buffs would be behind by 20 points and there is only 1 minute left and the coach, the one that doesn't shave, says in the huddle, "Mike, take the blindfold off and untie your leg and win this game." Mke would say, "OK."

So what would happen? Mike would hit the basket everytime he threw the ball. He would stick his tongue out, close his eyes and throw the ball into the rafters and win the game. He knew the "dirty little secret" of the NBA.

The WWF works the same way. They know who is going to win months ahead of the match. Then here's the real trick. You say, "Why would the other team "throw" the game?" Hello! Because they split the earnings 50-50. The NBA does it the same way. Give the people what they want and they will pay. That's what happens.

WHENEVER I AM FEELING SAD

When I feel sad I have found something that cheers me up a lot. I just go to the bottom of this Blog and click on the video about "Limits" and watch it. I say to myself, "Who ever thought this up was damn funny and is divorced." I feel a lot better after I watch it. I then look at a picture of Spagetti Cat, then I'm good.